Cretin
I have been blackmailed.
Emma: How's Ken?
Shane: Fine
Emma: You were talking for quite a while the other night
Shane: Yeah, I was telling him that I was gonna kill him off in the blog
Emma: (Laughs) No you weren't (Pause) you weren't were you?
Shane: Yeah
Emma: Why?
Shane: Don't know, fancied writing something a bit different, thought it would be funny
Emma: Well I don't think you should
Shane: Too late, I already did
Emma: Wha-?
Shane: Well, I suppose technically I didn't - Ken was last seen getting in a taxi bound for-
(The phone rings, I look at it)
Emma: Are you gonna get it?
Shane: It's getting late - they can leave a message
Emma: Answer the phone
Shane: (Answers phone) Hello
Ken: You cunt!
Shane: Kenneth! You're alive! (Laughing)
Ken: You sent me to Egypt
Shane: Well we don't know that you actually got there
Ken: -with a 'My First Chemistry Set'
Shane: Yeah, I liked that bit
Ken: You bastard - wait 'til I tell Emma
Shane: She already knows
(Emma eyes me with suspicion, I shake my head and mouth 'It's nothing - just Ken')
(Emma strides towards me, 'Hello' thinks I, she takes the phone from me)
Emma: Ken
Ken: Emma!
Shane: Emma!
Emma: Fuck off murderer!
Shane: Wha-?
(Emma listens as Ken talks)
Emma: Mm (more Ken talk) yeah (still, Ken talks) I know (yet more Ken) I know - he's being a spiteful shit isn't he?
Shane: Hehhhhhhh, give me the phone - he called to speak to me
Emma: Just a minute Ken (places hand over mouthpiece) Can I help you?
Shane: Come on - very funny - now give me the phone
Emma: What's that word?
Shane: (Pause) Please, give me the phone
Emma: No (Ken rambles on) yeah - I'm going to sort it out (Ken again) I know, I think it's the beginning of a God complex - we've got to nip it in the bud
Shane: (Laughing) 'God complex' - excellent!
Emma: Ken, that's great! I will (laughs) yeah - definitely, bye love (hangs up the phone)
Shane: What the fuck are y' doing?
Emma: Hm?
Shane: He called me - he wanted to talk with me
Emma: He did talk with you
Shane: He called me a cunt (Emma laughs) and a bastard
(Emma laughs more, stops laughing, then coldly gives me 'a look')
Shane: What?
Emma: What?
Shane: What's that look?
Emma: What look?
Shane: (Pause) You gave me a look - it was pure evil
Emma: 'Pure evil'! You're ridiculous sometimes (laughs)
Shane: You're cackling
Emma: No I'm not (smiles) (pause) you're to bring Ken back
Shane: What?
Emma: You heard
Shane: Why?
Emma: Because you don't send one of your best friends to Egypt after inferring that he's a terrorist
Shane: (Laughs) Is that what he said?
Emma: If you don't there'll be a price
Shane: (Laughing) What price?
Emma: (Smiles) I don't know... 'a price' (she gives that look again) I'm due on in a couple of days
Shane: (Pause) -and your point is?
Emma: My tits feel... gi-normous (grins)
Shane: (Pause) Mm?
Emma: Oh nothing - doesn't concern you anyway
Shane: Your tits feel bigger?
Emma: Mm
Shane: Here, let me see
Emma: Ah no no no y' don't - you've got to bring back Ken
(Pause) (I look baffled) (Emma smiles)
Shane: Are you-?
Emma: Blackmailing you? Mm, I think I am
Shane: You git!
Emma: (Laughs) Go on - get blogging...
Dear readers, it is with great distress and hundredweights - actually no, thousandweights - of sadness that I have to inform you that Ken is... Ken is back. In fact, what with him being the feckless arse that he most undoubtably is, he hardly even went away. Apparently last week's taxi driver ran the cretin straight to hospital - having rightly spotted that there was something 'not quite right' with our Kenny. Anyway, at the hospital our hero was administered mild sedatives, was allowed a day of rest and recuperation and was then thrown out onto the street whereupon he made his way back to the Kennypad in Holloway. He called me on Friday to relay details of his scrape. The fool.
*****
Thus far (2/24), I love Lost.
Emma: How's Ken?
Shane: Fine
Emma: You were talking for quite a while the other night
Shane: Yeah, I was telling him that I was gonna kill him off in the blog
Emma: (Laughs) No you weren't (Pause) you weren't were you?
Shane: Yeah
Emma: Why?
Shane: Don't know, fancied writing something a bit different, thought it would be funny
Emma: Well I don't think you should
Shane: Too late, I already did
Emma: Wha-?
Shane: Well, I suppose technically I didn't - Ken was last seen getting in a taxi bound for-
(The phone rings, I look at it)
Emma: Are you gonna get it?
Shane: It's getting late - they can leave a message
Emma: Answer the phone
Shane: (Answers phone) Hello
Ken: You cunt!
Shane: Kenneth! You're alive! (Laughing)
Ken: You sent me to Egypt
Shane: Well we don't know that you actually got there
Ken: -with a 'My First Chemistry Set'
Shane: Yeah, I liked that bit
Ken: You bastard - wait 'til I tell Emma
Shane: She already knows
(Emma eyes me with suspicion, I shake my head and mouth 'It's nothing - just Ken')
(Emma strides towards me, 'Hello' thinks I, she takes the phone from me)
Emma: Ken
Ken: Emma!
Shane: Emma!
Emma: Fuck off murderer!
Shane: Wha-?
(Emma listens as Ken talks)
Emma: Mm (more Ken talk) yeah (still, Ken talks) I know (yet more Ken) I know - he's being a spiteful shit isn't he?
Shane: Hehhhhhhh, give me the phone - he called to speak to me
Emma: Just a minute Ken (places hand over mouthpiece) Can I help you?
Shane: Come on - very funny - now give me the phone
Emma: What's that word?
Shane: (Pause) Please, give me the phone
Emma: No (Ken rambles on) yeah - I'm going to sort it out (Ken again) I know, I think it's the beginning of a God complex - we've got to nip it in the bud
Shane: (Laughing) 'God complex' - excellent!
Emma: Ken, that's great! I will (laughs) yeah - definitely, bye love (hangs up the phone)
Shane: What the fuck are y' doing?
Emma: Hm?
Shane: He called me - he wanted to talk with me
Emma: He did talk with you
Shane: He called me a cunt (Emma laughs) and a bastard
(Emma laughs more, stops laughing, then coldly gives me 'a look')
Shane: What?
Emma: What?
Shane: What's that look?
Emma: What look?
Shane: (Pause) You gave me a look - it was pure evil
Emma: 'Pure evil'! You're ridiculous sometimes (laughs)
Shane: You're cackling
Emma: No I'm not (smiles) (pause) you're to bring Ken back
Shane: What?
Emma: You heard
Shane: Why?
Emma: Because you don't send one of your best friends to Egypt after inferring that he's a terrorist
Shane: (Laughs) Is that what he said?
Emma: If you don't there'll be a price
Shane: (Laughing) What price?
Emma: (Smiles) I don't know... 'a price' (she gives that look again) I'm due on in a couple of days
Shane: (Pause) -and your point is?
Emma: My tits feel... gi-normous (grins)
Shane: (Pause) Mm?
Emma: Oh nothing - doesn't concern you anyway
Shane: Your tits feel bigger?
Emma: Mm
Shane: Here, let me see
Emma: Ah no no no y' don't - you've got to bring back Ken
(Pause) (I look baffled) (Emma smiles)
Shane: Are you-?
Emma: Blackmailing you? Mm, I think I am
Shane: You git!
Emma: (Laughs) Go on - get blogging...
Dear readers, it is with great distress and hundredweights - actually no, thousandweights - of sadness that I have to inform you that Ken is... Ken is back. In fact, what with him being the feckless arse that he most undoubtably is, he hardly even went away. Apparently last week's taxi driver ran the cretin straight to hospital - having rightly spotted that there was something 'not quite right' with our Kenny. Anyway, at the hospital our hero was administered mild sedatives, was allowed a day of rest and recuperation and was then thrown out onto the street whereupon he made his way back to the Kennypad in Holloway. He called me on Friday to relay details of his scrape. The fool.
*****
Thus far (2/24), I love Lost.
posted by Shane @ 11:00 pm
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