60p

It’s a strange old time – with much of London still reeling and the rest of us feeling the aftershocks, even life in the provincial English Midlands seems unsettled. For Shane, this is compounded by such matters as having to call upon unpleasantness in order to ensure that monies owed to him become monies paid to him, matters such as grandma Elspeth feigning Telephone-Alzheimer’s in order to be left alone to watch the cricket, and matters such as a steady rise in the number of unprovoked kitten attacks – CharlieDimmock is no longer a cute and cuddly wee thing, she's a big bounding brute of a she-kitten, and I caught her snapping branches on the cheese plant the other day. However, wallowing aside – a very difficult aside, it is true that in amongst all of this there are gleaming twenty pence pieces - accidentally swallowed but never forgotten. Let us march together and spend:-

1. Earlier today, our elderly near neighbour Harry knocked at the door. Marie recognised him immediately and soon we were formally introduced. His effusively helpful manner had been prefaced with an unhurried 'Well you see, I was trimming the hedge earlier and I had a bit of an accident...' At this I thought we were about to hear about how he'd accidentally lopped off his wife's left arm and that such an event was 'a bit of a shame really' and that 'If it's not too much to ask - I can see you're both working - would it be possible for one of you to run us to the hospital, it's just that I think she might be about to run out of blood...' - so mild and gentle was he. Anyway, the dear old boy had merely broken his garden sheers and was seeking a replacement pair. By way of returning what favours were offered he was particularly keen that Marie should 'Take my number - it's just that you never know when you might need me, in the night or something - for some help, y' know - anything at all - always happy to help'. Dirty old rogue. But despite that, the sort of chap who adds warmth and charm and horticultural injuries to a townscape. Gorgeous. [20p]

2. Today, I very nearly accidentally bought a pair of young Herefords. It's not often that I think "I think I'll pop down to the cattle market for a bit of a wander" but today I did. Having got in amongst the farmers and done my best to feel part of it (and not stick out as the only one who could smell the cow shit), I took a near front position as a pen of cattle were being filtered through the bidding area. With my fascinated eyes darting between bidders and auctioneer, at one point as the price charged up the auctioneer interpreted my overly-interested eye-contact as a bid, thus, for a fleeting moment in his 10 words per second tirade - 'One twenny one twenny one twenny AND thirdy an' thirdy an' thirdy AND fordy AND fiffy an' fify an' fiffy an' fi' and fi' and fi' FIVE AND sold one fifty five the TWO Hereford Bull' - I was the buyer of the Herefords. Driving back to the chateau I thought to myself, 'Fuck me - just what if! Pete and Marie would have been well pissed off to find that I'd brought home a couple of young Herefords... without first consulting'. [40p]

3. Received the following email from Country Bumpkin Pal (Shelly): 'Shaney old boy, I am at Michigan Uni feeling like a fish very much out of water. None of the familiar signs of agriculture, just a load of yanks and very large portions of everything (I thought I had a big appetite til I got here). First (and quite possibly last) trip to the states and 2 weeks to get through - am already planning my escape to a ranch or Canada. Feel like an extra in a bad US college 'movie'... News from reality please?' The thought of Shelly at any overseas university other than Yeeha University amused me greatly. [60p]

There you have it, 60 pence worth of blog, now go on - naff off or I'll clip y' round the lug hole.

*****
I do love the Holland football shirt, but I'm yet to be convinced by this old Charlton Athletic horror.

NEWS UPDATE I: Have just returned from town. Was horrified to note the headline on the local 'paper was 'Pensioner in Wheelie Bin Row'. I do hope it wasn't Harry. [Thursday 1:32pm]

NEWS UPDATE II: Relief, dear reader. It wasn't Harry. He tells me that he remains entirely happy with his relationship with the town's wheelie bins. [Thursday 2:47pm]