Cairo?
Called Ken on Wednesday evening to say thanks for good hosting last weekend and to mention that his return to this blog in my last post had been welcomed by a commenter (someone who, I should add, has never met him!) and that his thong-related contribution had raised discussion.
Ken: Hello?
Shane: Hello there
Ken: Ah hello, thought it was you
Shane: Why?
Ken: Cos the screen on my phone says ‘Shane’ when you ring
Shane: Technology eh?
Ken: An amazing thing. So what d’ y’ want? Business or pleasure?
Shane: My dear Kenneth, it could only be pleasure with you
Ken: Are you pissed (as in drunk)?
Shane: No no no, just calling to throw pleasantries your way for general hosting and weekend Kennethness
Ken: You are welcome my son, was good to get out on Sunday morning – it’s a long time since I saw a Sunday morning
Shane: Quite. Also, d’ y’ remember that woman at The Holloway?
Ken: Er-, y’ mean ‘Woman’
Shane: Which woman?
Ken: Pretty wee thong thing?
Shane: Yes - well I mentioned in a blog post that she’d inspired our consideration of thongs
Ken: Righhhhhhhht. Is this going somewhere unpleasant?
Shane: No no, far from it – one person even said that they were glad that Ken was back
Ken: Ken was back from where?
Shane: Back in the blog – I think
Ken: Why? What did y’ say about me?
Shane: Very little – just that we’d talked thongs and done a bit of trogging about
Ken: So they like me
Shane: ‘They’? It was one person – just one
Ken: Man or woman?
Shane: Woman
Ken: Attractive?
Shane: Fuck off – what’s that got to do with anything?
Ken: Attractive?
Shane: Don’t know, haven’t seen a picture. Writes well though.
Ken: Mm
Shane: Well I thought it was a nice thing to say
Ken: Mm, so are y’ gonna write some more about me?
Shane: Not for a while
Ken: Why not? Why not give the people what they want?
Shane: Er-, give the ‘person’ what she wants. One person Kenneth, one person
Ken: -and the silent majority
Shane: I’m not sure about that
Ken: Go on, it’s important that we make best use of me
Shane: Whoa whoa whoa – ‘we make best use’? ‘We’? No. The people are not yet ready for a Ken blog
Ken: Shame – would have probably added something
Shane: What d’ y’ mean?
Ken: Y’ know – I don’t mind y’ puttin’ pictures of me on there – y' could sort me out a date or something
Shane: Get lost (pause) In fact, I was thinking of killing you off
Ken: (Laughs)
Shane: It would obviously be a heroic death – desperately trying t’ save a hamster from a burning building or some such
Ken: (Still amused) No, I don’t think we should act too hastily – mine is a rising star
Shane: (Distracted) What’s that noise that I can hear?
Ken: Oh! (Laughs loudly – guffaws even)
Shane: It sounds quite distressing – Kenneth, have you got a woman there?
Ken: It’s er- (background noise fades) it’s Whitney Houston
Shane: What?
Ken: I thought that I’d been watching too many nasty gangsterish films since I got back so I’ve decided that for every violent film that I watch I’ve got to watch one er- kind of love story type of film
Shane: A romance?
Ken: (Pause) Yeah
Shane: (Pause) That’s quite ‘balanced’ of you
Ken: Yeah, that’s what I thought
Shane: Ok, good. Good. So what’s the film?
Ken: Have you seen ‘The Bodyguard’?
Shane: I’m afraid I haven’t Ken…
[We talk on – Ken later acknowledges that in covering not much of the right bottom that thongs can be ‘quite compelling’]
Dear readers, it is with great distress and hundredweights of sadness that I have to inform you that… Ken is no longer with us. In fact, it was quite the most horrific of incidents. You see, I called him on Wednesday and after his gleeful answering of phone, Ken reached for the remote control to his television set. Police later mentioned evidence of his watching a Whitney Houston film. Anyway, upon reaching for the remote from his position of ‘dangerously perched by the open window’, Ken toppled back and fell into a lower flat’s large plantpot installation. Muddied and bruised, Ken lumbered into the street. Confused, he wandered into an adjacent building. There, he collected a child’s edition of this and was last seen hailing a taxi. He is said to have mumbled to the cabbie ‘Heathrow please, I’ve got relatives in Egypt’. Ken leaves behind an incomplete PhD thesis in International Relations.
*****
I loved that man. [Insert tributes here]
Ken: Hello?
Shane: Hello there
Ken: Ah hello, thought it was you
Shane: Why?
Ken: Cos the screen on my phone says ‘Shane’ when you ring
Shane: Technology eh?
Ken: An amazing thing. So what d’ y’ want? Business or pleasure?
Shane: My dear Kenneth, it could only be pleasure with you
Ken: Are you pissed (as in drunk)?
Shane: No no no, just calling to throw pleasantries your way for general hosting and weekend Kennethness
Ken: You are welcome my son, was good to get out on Sunday morning – it’s a long time since I saw a Sunday morning
Shane: Quite. Also, d’ y’ remember that woman at The Holloway?
Ken: Er-, y’ mean ‘Woman’
Shane: Which woman?
Ken: Pretty wee thong thing?
Shane: Yes - well I mentioned in a blog post that she’d inspired our consideration of thongs
Ken: Righhhhhhhht. Is this going somewhere unpleasant?
Shane: No no, far from it – one person even said that they were glad that Ken was back
Ken: Ken was back from where?
Shane: Back in the blog – I think
Ken: Why? What did y’ say about me?
Shane: Very little – just that we’d talked thongs and done a bit of trogging about
Ken: So they like me
Shane: ‘They’? It was one person – just one
Ken: Man or woman?
Shane: Woman
Ken: Attractive?
Shane: Fuck off – what’s that got to do with anything?
Ken: Attractive?
Shane: Don’t know, haven’t seen a picture. Writes well though.
Ken: Mm
Shane: Well I thought it was a nice thing to say
Ken: Mm, so are y’ gonna write some more about me?
Shane: Not for a while
Ken: Why not? Why not give the people what they want?
Shane: Er-, give the ‘person’ what she wants. One person Kenneth, one person
Ken: -and the silent majority
Shane: I’m not sure about that
Ken: Go on, it’s important that we make best use of me
Shane: Whoa whoa whoa – ‘we make best use’? ‘We’? No. The people are not yet ready for a Ken blog
Ken: Shame – would have probably added something
Shane: What d’ y’ mean?
Ken: Y’ know – I don’t mind y’ puttin’ pictures of me on there – y' could sort me out a date or something
Shane: Get lost (pause) In fact, I was thinking of killing you off
Ken: (Laughs)
Shane: It would obviously be a heroic death – desperately trying t’ save a hamster from a burning building or some such
Ken: (Still amused) No, I don’t think we should act too hastily – mine is a rising star
Shane: (Distracted) What’s that noise that I can hear?
Ken: Oh! (Laughs loudly – guffaws even)
Shane: It sounds quite distressing – Kenneth, have you got a woman there?
Ken: It’s er- (background noise fades) it’s Whitney Houston
Shane: What?
Ken: I thought that I’d been watching too many nasty gangsterish films since I got back so I’ve decided that for every violent film that I watch I’ve got to watch one er- kind of love story type of film
Shane: A romance?
Ken: (Pause) Yeah
Shane: (Pause) That’s quite ‘balanced’ of you
Ken: Yeah, that’s what I thought
Shane: Ok, good. Good. So what’s the film?
Ken: Have you seen ‘The Bodyguard’?
Shane: I’m afraid I haven’t Ken…
[We talk on – Ken later acknowledges that in covering not much of the right bottom that thongs can be ‘quite compelling’]
Dear readers, it is with great distress and hundredweights of sadness that I have to inform you that… Ken is no longer with us. In fact, it was quite the most horrific of incidents. You see, I called him on Wednesday and after his gleeful answering of phone, Ken reached for the remote control to his television set. Police later mentioned evidence of his watching a Whitney Houston film. Anyway, upon reaching for the remote from his position of ‘dangerously perched by the open window’, Ken toppled back and fell into a lower flat’s large plantpot installation. Muddied and bruised, Ken lumbered into the street. Confused, he wandered into an adjacent building. There, he collected a child’s edition of this and was last seen hailing a taxi. He is said to have mumbled to the cabbie ‘Heathrow please, I’ve got relatives in Egypt’. Ken leaves behind an incomplete PhD thesis in International Relations.
*****
I loved that man. [Insert tributes here]
posted by Shane @ 11:00 am
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