SHANE

It began as a blog about completing a thesis, it became a blog about everything but completing a thesis, it ended with a complete thesis.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Cairo?

Called Ken on Wednesday evening to say thanks for good hosting last weekend and to mention that his return to this blog in my last post had been welcomed by a commenter (someone who, I should add, has never met him!) and that his thong-related contribution had raised discussion.

Ken: Hello?
Shane: Hello there
Ken: Ah hello, thought it was you
Shane: Why?
Ken: Cos the screen on my phone says ‘Shane’ when you ring
Shane: Technology eh?
Ken: An amazing thing. So what d’ y’ want? Business or pleasure?
Shane: My dear Kenneth, it could only be pleasure with you
Ken: Are you pissed (as in drunk)?
Shane: No no no, just calling to throw pleasantries your way for general hosting and weekend Kennethness
Ken: You are welcome my son, was good to get out on Sunday morning – it’s a long time since I saw a Sunday morning
Shane: Quite. Also, d’ y’ remember that woman at The Holloway?
Ken: Er-, y’ mean ‘Woman’
Shane: Which woman?
Ken: Pretty wee thong thing?
Shane: Yes - well I mentioned in a blog post that she’d inspired our consideration of thongs
Ken: Righhhhhhhht. Is this going somewhere unpleasant?
Shane: No no, far from it – one person even said that they were glad that Ken was back
Ken: Ken was back from where?
Shane: Back in the blog – I think
Ken: Why? What did y’ say about me?
Shane: Very little – just that we’d talked thongs and done a bit of trogging about
Ken: So they like me
Shane: ‘They’? It was one person – just one
Ken: Man or woman?
Shane: Woman
Ken: Attractive?
Shane: Fuck off – what’s that got to do with anything?
Ken: Attractive?
Shane: Don’t know, haven’t seen a picture. Writes well though.
Ken: Mm
Shane: Well I thought it was a nice thing to say
Ken: Mm, so are y’ gonna write some more about me?
Shane: Not for a while
Ken: Why not? Why not give the people what they want?
Shane: Er-, give the ‘person’ what she wants. One person Kenneth, one person
Ken: -and the silent majority
Shane: I’m not sure about that
Ken: Go on, it’s important that we make best use of me
Shane: Whoa whoa whoa – ‘we make best use’? ‘We’? No. The people are not yet ready for a Ken blog
Ken: Shame – would have probably added something
Shane: What d’ y’ mean?
Ken: Y’ know – I don’t mind y’ puttin’ pictures of me on there – y' could sort me out a date or something
Shane: Get lost (pause) In fact, I was thinking of killing you off
Ken: (Laughs)
Shane: It would obviously be a heroic death – desperately trying t’ save a hamster from a burning building or some such
Ken: (Still amused) No, I don’t think we should act too hastily – mine is a rising star
Shane: (Distracted) What’s that noise that I can hear?
Ken: Oh! (Laughs loudly – guffaws even)
Shane: It sounds quite distressing – Kenneth, have you got a woman there?
Ken: It’s er- (background noise fades) it’s Whitney Houston
Shane: What?
Ken: I thought that I’d been watching too many nasty gangsterish films since I got back so I’ve decided that for every violent film that I watch I’ve got to watch one er- kind of love story type of film
Shane: A romance?
Ken: (Pause) Yeah
Shane: (Pause) That’s quite ‘balanced’ of you
Ken: Yeah, that’s what I thought
Shane: Ok, good. Good. So what’s the film?
Ken: Have you seen ‘The Bodyguard’?
Shane: I’m afraid I haven’t Ken…
[We talk on – Ken later acknowledges that in covering not much of the right bottom that thongs can be ‘quite compelling’]

Dear readers, it is with great distress and hundredweights of sadness that I have to inform you that… Ken is no longer with us. In fact, it was quite the most horrific of incidents. You see, I called him on Wednesday and after his gleeful answering of phone, Ken reached for the remote control to his television set. Police later mentioned evidence of his watching a Whitney Houston film. Anyway, upon reaching for the remote from his position of ‘dangerously perched by the open window’, Ken toppled back and fell into a lower flat’s large plantpot installation. Muddied and bruised, Ken lumbered into the street. Confused, he wandered into an adjacent building. There, he collected a child’s edition of this and was last seen hailing a taxi. He is said to have mumbled to the cabbie ‘Heathrow please, I’ve got relatives in Egypt’. Ken leaves behind an incomplete PhD thesis in International Relations.

*****
I loved that man. [Insert tributes here]