Catherine, Shane, and Bert too.

In the beginning was the word, and the word was spoken with force.

"NO!!!"
"But..." I pleaded.
"No. No. No."
"Sure?"
"Absolutely"
"Final answer?"
"Yes - final answer. Now let's go."

You see, the problem with some people is that they just don't appreciate the rich cultural aesthetics on offer from local hospitality. On visiting Barton yesterday evening, Catherine flatly refused to join me in acquiring another 'local experience' - for so enthused was I from the previous evening's success. However, perhaps as a result of my rather needy expression, she agreed to join me for "just the one" at The Leper's Arms - this was a first foray for both of us. From the outside it looked like a dusty 'rustic' pub that would be full of 'character'. Upon crossing the threshold what hit me was a scene from Withnail and I, the one where the two struggling actors step into the unfriendly London pub to be greeted by the angry Irish man. As this foray had been my idea, I had to do the lead striding-up-to-the-bar and ordering. So I did. As bar man (aged 60, 'wirey', denimly uncouth, two hoop ear rings) gathered our drinks, Catherine added quietly "I'll have ice with that". Instinct told me that that was a phrase that was rarely uttered within these walls. Upon forwarding this request to bar man his polite retort was "No ice tonight - only Fridays and Saturdays". I can't explain why, but this struck me as really very funny. I laughed out loud. I may have screeched. Like a girl. Gladly, bar man was not perturbed by this unruly reaction. Rather, he smiled a knowing smile, and recognising us to be unfamiliar with such set-ups he added "and there's a skittles table out back". And so, haplessly following this direction, 10 minutes later we found ourselves to be receiving a free skittles coaching class from a man named Bert. All very quaint. And no 'arm done.

Oh weird. Radio 4 just crashed into my consciousness - I heard Jon Snow speak the words "sexual charm". That is unsettling. Jon Snow. Sexual charm. NO!!!