Serious?
(Beware: at 1,203 words, a long post)
Received a text, it read: ‘Am on the train, can you pick me up at 19:45? Ta.’ Sender: Ken.
I was not expecting him, as I’d already arranged to visit His Royal Kenniness later this month. So, presuming the fool to have texted me in error, I replied: ‘You fool, why would I need to know what time you’re getting off the train?’
He replied: ‘Because I’m coming to stay for two nights – bringing my work and laptop with me – won’t be a problem, honest. See you in an hour – Virgin-willing!’
At the time I was dining with Marie and Pete. News of Ken’s imminent arrival was greeted with:
Marie: Excellent!
Pete: Ah, a supplies surprise!* If you’re collecting him you’d better put that glass down.
Shane: Oh arse!
* Ken tends to win favour with the organic and free-range produce of the Ken Family Estate (we’re talking serious acreage - woods and lakes and so on).
So, Ken was collected and we drove up to the chateau. Greetings were greeted, backs were slapped, eggs and butternut squash were handed over, warmth abounded. Then, to the pub – a Georgian town centre place with quiet nooks and dusty crannies. A couple of drinks in, Ken produced a big document from beneath his large furry jacket, placed it face down on the table then looked at me.
Ken: Shane.
Shane: Ken?
Ken: I’ve been reading, and having (pause) A VERY BIG IDEA.
Shane: Is this about going to Africa again?
Ken: No no no, we agreed all that-
Shane: We did?
Ken: That’s right, we did. No, this is a MUCH bigger idea.
Shane: Right. Is this why you’re here?
Ken: No. Well, maybe, partly. I think I’ll be talking with Marie too, but I thought I’d better tell you first.
Shane: Okay. So what is it?
I had to ask, it would have been rude not to.
Ken: We’ve talked about having children before haven’t we?
Shane: (laughing) Not having them together we haven’t!
(A man at the next table is listening-in, Ken turns and proffers a smile)
Ken: Discretion please Shane, bit more discretion.
Shane: Sorry. ‘Having children’?
Ken: Mm. I’ve been reading this. (Hands document to me, I look at it)
Shane: You’ve been reading a report on… fostering and adoption in England.
Ken: Yes Shane, that’s right.
Shane: I know it’s right - I can read.
Ken: Don’t be grouchy – there is cause for celebration.
Shane: What?
I was no longer able to daydream in the direction of the Charlotte-Church-like bar personage. Kenneth the Foul Beast had fully distracted me. And induced a headache.
Ken: I think we should consider fostering, with a longer-term view to adopting!
Shane: (shaking head) Oh Kenneth, sweet ludicrous Kenneth - full of good intention. Before you get going, let me tell you that this already has the hallmarks of what could only be a completely - and utterly – and I really do mean utterly - ridiculous idea.
Ken: Wait, time is on our side! This is how I see it-
Shane: Three hours ago I was expecting a nice evening in with Kirsty Wark, and now I’m sitting in town with an oaf who’s trying to sell what I suspect is going to sound very much like happy-clappy co-parenting. My head really does not need this right now.
Ken: Shane, I believe that you have proved yourself with young Alex, although to be frank, that was never in doubt-
On reflection, I see this for the simple act of Kenneth buttering that it was.
Shane: Ta. (Smiling) You called him ‘young Alex’.
Ken: You’re welcome, and yes – that’s what you call him. (I laugh, Ken gives me a stern look – quite unKenny in fact) Do you know what proportion of adoptions occur between kids and parents who’ve already had a foster relationship?
Shane: (looks confused)
Ken: Er, actually, I can’t remember that one – but it was quite high. Might have been 30 or 40 per cent. Actually, that may be completely wrong.
Shane: You’ve clearly done your research.
Ken: The point is ‘one step at a time’.
Shane: (Pause: struggling to produce a mental image) Emma and Alex and Shane and Ken and Adopted-Fostered-Whatever Child – all one big happy family?
Ken: No. Bigger than that!
Shane: What?
Ken: I thought GayFranglais might want to join in too.
Shane: Dreamland Kenneth, you’re wide-awake in dreamland. And besides, I’m sure social services wouldn’t touch your version of… ‘family-planning’.
Ken: That’s not what Marie reckons.
Shane: How the-? Marie? You’ve shared this with Marie?
Ken: Not exactly. I just asked her some questions about families and adoption and stuff - by email, yesterday.
Shane: Did she know you were coming up tonight?
One is smelling a very large Marie-shaped rat. In fact, one is suspecting that she is using Kenneth’s foolish nature to entertain herself at my expense.
Ken: No. But she said that I should come up any time I felt like it.
Shane: Speak on.
Ken: Well I thought if it was a baby boy we could call him ‘Roy’-
Shane: -er, I think you've missed about 70 keys steps in the process.
Ken: I can tell that you're in no fit state to seriously discuss this.
Shane: Oh Kenneth. I feel... chastened.
Ken: Hmm.
Shane: So ‘Roy’ for a boy?
Ken: Mm.
Shane: Shirley for a girlie?
Ken: Don’t be ridiculous – Shirley? As if!
Shane: But Roy, for a boy, is ok?
Ken: Yeah.
Shane: What else?
Ken: Well that's what we need to discuss.
Shane: What?
Ken: Exactly how we will raise Roy.
Shane: Have I been spiked?
Ken: I know. It feels like a dream-come-true doesn’t it?
Shane: (laughing) You're insane.
Ken: No Shane, I’m not. I’m offering us all… (brace yourselves, he is searching for dramatic phrasing)
My amusement at the illogic and unreason of our hero is all that is sustaining me here.
Ken: I'm offering us all an alternative vision of the future!
Shane: Bravo Kenneth, bravo. Motivational pre-parenting. I like it.
Ken: Good. And besides, I know that you’re feeling wobbly about the idea of (whispers) pro-creating.
Shane: What?
Ken: Emma told me.
Shane: When?
Ken: Today – by email.
Shane: And how do you happen to get into that exactly?
Ken: I just told her what I’d been reading - said it was work-related. I think she thinks we talk about stuff like parenting. Assumed I knew already.
Shane: What else has she told you?
Ken: I now know what a urethroscopy is.
Shane: Pull! No! Punches!
Ken: You should have told me.
Shane: Why?
Ken: So I could tell everyone else.
Shane: Jesus!
Ken: (laughing) Relax old boy, we’re family, you’re safe with us.
Shane: This has got to stop.
Ken: What?
Shane: This... loose talk. It concerns me.
Ken: It’s alright - I’ll keep myself in-check when Roy's around.
Shane: Funny.
It's 11pm. Few people remain.
Ken: Shane.
Shane: Back to where we began. Yes?
Ken: I meant it.
Shane: Mm?
Ken: What I said earlier. I am looking into the whole adoption-fostering thing. I think you should too.
Shane: Time to go Kenneth, time to go.
It was an unusual way to end the day.
Received a text, it read: ‘Am on the train, can you pick me up at 19:45? Ta.’ Sender: Ken.
I was not expecting him, as I’d already arranged to visit His Royal Kenniness later this month. So, presuming the fool to have texted me in error, I replied: ‘You fool, why would I need to know what time you’re getting off the train?’
He replied: ‘Because I’m coming to stay for two nights – bringing my work and laptop with me – won’t be a problem, honest. See you in an hour – Virgin-willing!’
At the time I was dining with Marie and Pete. News of Ken’s imminent arrival was greeted with:
Marie: Excellent!
Pete: Ah, a supplies surprise!* If you’re collecting him you’d better put that glass down.
Shane: Oh arse!
* Ken tends to win favour with the organic and free-range produce of the Ken Family Estate (we’re talking serious acreage - woods and lakes and so on).
So, Ken was collected and we drove up to the chateau. Greetings were greeted, backs were slapped, eggs and butternut squash were handed over, warmth abounded. Then, to the pub – a Georgian town centre place with quiet nooks and dusty crannies. A couple of drinks in, Ken produced a big document from beneath his large furry jacket, placed it face down on the table then looked at me.
Ken: Shane.
Shane: Ken?
Ken: I’ve been reading, and having (pause) A VERY BIG IDEA.
Shane: Is this about going to Africa again?
Ken: No no no, we agreed all that-
Shane: We did?
Ken: That’s right, we did. No, this is a MUCH bigger idea.
Shane: Right. Is this why you’re here?
Ken: No. Well, maybe, partly. I think I’ll be talking with Marie too, but I thought I’d better tell you first.
Shane: Okay. So what is it?
I had to ask, it would have been rude not to.
Ken: We’ve talked about having children before haven’t we?
Shane: (laughing) Not having them together we haven’t!
(A man at the next table is listening-in, Ken turns and proffers a smile)
Ken: Discretion please Shane, bit more discretion.
Shane: Sorry. ‘Having children’?
Ken: Mm. I’ve been reading this. (Hands document to me, I look at it)
Shane: You’ve been reading a report on… fostering and adoption in England.
Ken: Yes Shane, that’s right.
Shane: I know it’s right - I can read.
Ken: Don’t be grouchy – there is cause for celebration.
Shane: What?
I was no longer able to daydream in the direction of the Charlotte-Church-like bar personage. Kenneth the Foul Beast had fully distracted me. And induced a headache.
Ken: I think we should consider fostering, with a longer-term view to adopting!
Shane: (shaking head) Oh Kenneth, sweet ludicrous Kenneth - full of good intention. Before you get going, let me tell you that this already has the hallmarks of what could only be a completely - and utterly – and I really do mean utterly - ridiculous idea.
Ken: Wait, time is on our side! This is how I see it-
Shane: Three hours ago I was expecting a nice evening in with Kirsty Wark, and now I’m sitting in town with an oaf who’s trying to sell what I suspect is going to sound very much like happy-clappy co-parenting. My head really does not need this right now.
Ken: Shane, I believe that you have proved yourself with young Alex, although to be frank, that was never in doubt-
On reflection, I see this for the simple act of Kenneth buttering that it was.
Shane: Ta. (Smiling) You called him ‘young Alex’.
Ken: You’re welcome, and yes – that’s what you call him. (I laugh, Ken gives me a stern look – quite unKenny in fact) Do you know what proportion of adoptions occur between kids and parents who’ve already had a foster relationship?
Shane: (looks confused)
Ken: Er, actually, I can’t remember that one – but it was quite high. Might have been 30 or 40 per cent. Actually, that may be completely wrong.
Shane: You’ve clearly done your research.
Ken: The point is ‘one step at a time’.
Shane: (Pause: struggling to produce a mental image) Emma and Alex and Shane and Ken and Adopted-Fostered-Whatever Child – all one big happy family?
Ken: No. Bigger than that!
Shane: What?
Ken: I thought GayFranglais might want to join in too.
Shane: Dreamland Kenneth, you’re wide-awake in dreamland. And besides, I’m sure social services wouldn’t touch your version of… ‘family-planning’.
Ken: That’s not what Marie reckons.
Shane: How the-? Marie? You’ve shared this with Marie?
Ken: Not exactly. I just asked her some questions about families and adoption and stuff - by email, yesterday.
Shane: Did she know you were coming up tonight?
One is smelling a very large Marie-shaped rat. In fact, one is suspecting that she is using Kenneth’s foolish nature to entertain herself at my expense.
Ken: No. But she said that I should come up any time I felt like it.
Shane: Speak on.
Ken: Well I thought if it was a baby boy we could call him ‘Roy’-
Shane: -er, I think you've missed about 70 keys steps in the process.
Ken: I can tell that you're in no fit state to seriously discuss this.
Shane: Oh Kenneth. I feel... chastened.
Ken: Hmm.
Shane: So ‘Roy’ for a boy?
Ken: Mm.
Shane: Shirley for a girlie?
Ken: Don’t be ridiculous – Shirley? As if!
Shane: But Roy, for a boy, is ok?
Ken: Yeah.
Shane: What else?
Ken: Well that's what we need to discuss.
Shane: What?
Ken: Exactly how we will raise Roy.
Shane: Have I been spiked?
Ken: I know. It feels like a dream-come-true doesn’t it?
Shane: (laughing) You're insane.
Ken: No Shane, I’m not. I’m offering us all… (brace yourselves, he is searching for dramatic phrasing)
My amusement at the illogic and unreason of our hero is all that is sustaining me here.
Ken: I'm offering us all an alternative vision of the future!
Shane: Bravo Kenneth, bravo. Motivational pre-parenting. I like it.
Ken: Good. And besides, I know that you’re feeling wobbly about the idea of (whispers) pro-creating.
Shane: What?
Ken: Emma told me.
Shane: When?
Ken: Today – by email.
Shane: And how do you happen to get into that exactly?
Ken: I just told her what I’d been reading - said it was work-related. I think she thinks we talk about stuff like parenting. Assumed I knew already.
Shane: What else has she told you?
Ken: I now know what a urethroscopy is.
Shane: Pull! No! Punches!
Ken: You should have told me.
Shane: Why?
Ken: So I could tell everyone else.
Shane: Jesus!
Ken: (laughing) Relax old boy, we’re family, you’re safe with us.
Shane: This has got to stop.
Ken: What?
Shane: This... loose talk. It concerns me.
Ken: It’s alright - I’ll keep myself in-check when Roy's around.
Shane: Funny.
It's 11pm. Few people remain.
Ken: Shane.
Shane: Back to where we began. Yes?
Ken: I meant it.
Shane: Mm?
Ken: What I said earlier. I am looking into the whole adoption-fostering thing. I think you should too.
Shane: Time to go Kenneth, time to go.
It was an unusual way to end the day.
posted by Shane @ 1:00 pm
<< Home