Freedom

Late Saturday morning. Busy town centre. A four year old seems restless. We are committed to a town centre family-pub lunch that's to begin 30 minutes from now. A four year old has the potential to make it an arduous lunch.

Emma: Okay Alex, you can have three pounds to spend because I've-
Alex: Cool!
Shane: You've what?
Emma: I er-
Alex: I'm gonna buy a big truck with my money.
Emma: I don't think there'll be enough to buy a big truck - maybe something smaller - like a car.
Shane: -three pounds to spend because you've-?
Emma: I forgot to give him his pocket money for the last...
Shane: (laughing) The last?
Emma: Two months?
Shane: Excellent! You make me feel proud of you.

So, to Woolworths, and...

Horror of horrors - Woolworths is closed due to refurbishments. That leaves us scratching about for a child-friendly treat alternative.

Emma: Ah! Poundland! Let's see what they've got.

Inside store.

Alex: Oh cool Shane - look at these.
Shane: I don't think your mummy would let you buy that.
Alex: But why not?
Shane: Toy guns - not cool.
Emma: No, I don't want you buying any guns.
Alex: It's okay mummy - they're not real.
Emma: No - I know they're not real, I just don't think guns are very nice. Choose something else.
Alex: What about these?
Emma: Yes - swords and axes are fine.
Shane: (thinks) Hold on a minute - 'swords and axes are fine'?

Anyway, we leave Poundland with:-

1 weapons set (flimsy plastic sword and solid, though tattish, plastic axe)
1 power ball (luminous bouncy rubber ball)
1 pair of handcuffs (some kind of metallic material - surprisingly high quality I'd say - certainly 'robust' enough to hurt if applied too tightly)

Having left Poundland.

Alex: Shane, you and me can be the police.
Shane: Oh aye, definitely.
Alex: Mummy, you can be the robber.
Emma: You won't catch me!
Alex: We will!

Town centre pub. Busy.

Emma: Okay, I'll go and order. You boys play nicely.
Shane: You're okay, go on - we'll be alright.
Emma: I'll be quick.
(Shane and Alex larking about - in a moderate sort of way - at a table in the child-friendly area of the pub. Shane playing Dopey the Robber, allowing Alex the Policeman to catch him and 'cuff him.)
Alex: That's it - you're under arrest. You're not getting away.
...
Shane: Ah, come on - let me go. I didn't do the robbery.
Alex: Okay. I'll let you go when mummy gets back.
Shane: (Spotting a duff deal) Let me go now please.
Alex: I can't.
Shane: Why?
Alex: Mummy's got the key.
Shane: What!
Alex: She said she had to look after them in case we lost them.

Emma is amongst a throng at the far end of the pub. It would be unwise to let Alex venture off in search of her (the key) alone. And the reason that Shane won't venture forth with Alex in search of the key to the 'cuffs? Simple. Shane's left wrist is handcuffed to a table leg. The table leg is attached to a very big, very heavy, table. Why can't Alex or Shane use the simple escape switch on the 'cuffs to free Shane? Because when Shane just tried that the switch came off between the fore-finger and thumb of his right hand. How is Shane feeling at this point in the scenario?

Alex: Shane, your skin has gone white.
Shane: Really? (pause) Mummy will be back soon. She can unlock me.

And upon returning, seven minutes later (yes, seven!!!), she did. But before that, I was clocked as being handcuffed to a table by at least four people. Two youngsters were too far away and clearly too scared to pass casual comment, one old man commented 'Been caught I see', and one waiter asked 'Is everything alright sir?'

'Everything's fine' I replied, sweetly - of course.